Oh love..

I remember crying for you
I felt like if I went on
I would cry my own lakes
And then I could swim in my own sorrow
And I still could
But I won't let myself
I have forced myself
To disconnect
Like cutting off a piece of myself
Well there goes my second half
It wasn't much of a half to begin with
Lies create an illusion
And you fooled me
I helplessly fell under your spell
Your beauty only made it harder
To let go
When you told me to leave
I almost couldn't believe
I held on to the only thing I had ever really loved
The first person
And for that you are even more special
But it's okay
I'll just keep you in my memory
Tucked away
Some of the most beautiful things
Are only meant to be kept on display
So I will keep you there
Day after day
The memories replay
But the time has long since gone away
Hold on to what you can
But let what you love free
Light it up
And let it go
Why would you want to cage a beautiful bird?
I'd rather just admire you from afar
But wait
I want to feel you
I want to show you how much I could love you
More than anyone else could
I want to give you what you're searching for
Understanding and acceptance
A sense of belonging
I want to tell you that you're special
I want you to know..
How much you mean to me..
But here I am again being told the same thing
Just.. Let.. It.. Go..
I guess such a selfless act can only be done
By someone who really cares
But it's just so.. Damn.. Hard
To say good bye for good..
Well the good in good bye must be for something
At least I can keep a piece of you forever with me
In my memory
No one is here to stay
We can't
We're just here to leave a mark
And hopefully a positive impact
And have you remember us in the best ways
Never forget me
That's all I ask
When I finally leave someday
Either by inconvenience or death
Just hold on to what I gave you
At least the good
And never forget the love I gave you
I hope it forever stays engraved in you..

....

Why do I get the urge to write at night when I'm trying to sleep? ..Something about the night.. So peaceful, the atmosphere so fitting, the darkness so mysterious and enchanting inspires my imagination.. Fuels my motivation.. I bleed out my thoughts on to paper with ink.. Every stroke creating something new, into the darkness I immerse myself, creating something out of nothing.. And I love it, I absolutely love it.. It's like driving at night and seeing lights and trees appear, a story, a scene unfolding before you.. I sit here on this chair staring out the window and I begin to imagine stories like splashing a vivid bright color on to black.... Like the beat of a drum bringing silence to life....

Full Circle

You're more lovely as a memory
I'd rather live in the reverie
I watch you cut deep into me
Why are my emotions paper thin
So I just give up and let you in
But I still don't know where to begin
You are a puzzle I can't piece together
But I still know the pieces fit
Sometimes the pieces get bent though
And then you turn into someone else
I can't keep filling your gaps in
I tried to complete you
That hollow emptiness inside of you
Like maybe I could save you
But you deplete me
You fucking drain and defeat me
The truth is not created
It's discovered
Although often contemplated and debated
Because it's complicated
Happy
I just want to be happy
But maybe what I want isn't healthy
The key is balance
So open the door
But don't go all the way in
Life is paper thin
One minute you're here
And the next you're gone
But they say
Everything eventually returns back to the same way
From dust to dust
So does that mean that we will return to each other
Someday
But what is time if only an illusion
What is hopelessness if only a state of mind
You're running forward
Only to go in a full circle
And come back to where you started
Is it because you left something behind?
Time can't rewind
But you can
We're like stray cats that keep coming back for more
But then we realize what we're fighting for
It hits us all at once
And then I stop letting all these things hold me back
Because something is only lost
Until it's found
So with hurting soles
And our aching souls
We turn back around....

Lost and Not Willing To Be Found

She never stopped to truly appreciate things
So that time fled past her
And good things got away
She never mourned the last light of day
For she's become used to waking up
Wasting time
Seems to be part of her daily routine
Skipping along the tracks of time
Humming a merry tune
As she leads herself to her own demise
But never truly finding what makes her happy
She's a lost soul
Too blind
Too preocupied
With unimportant things
To realize
What she's missing out on
Every day is a chance
But every day that passes
Is a chance lost
Laying there
On her bed
Watching mindless shows
That only seem to perpetuate
Her ignorance
She rolls over during a commercial break
And starts to play with the hourglass
Beside her bed
Watching the grains of sand
Run through
She's mesmerized
Like a fool
Hypnotized
Every day is a repetition
A static scene
Of her stagnant life
Instead of trying to find herself
She loses herself more
Twirling and dancing along
With the flow of life
Not caring
Like she should
Not caring
For what she should....
She's running
But never knowing where
Moving
Yet not really getting anywhere
Can't even tell North from South
She even has trouble guiding herself home
Because maybe she seemingly has one
But in reality it's only the illusion
Walls aren't what make a true home
They are merely shelter
A real home is when you feel
Like you belong
Somewhere
And she never seems to
Well she never seems to search further
Than the surface
Oversees important details
Things that would help her realize....
Things that could help guide her home
But she's too far lost
In a sea of her own
Stranded on her own island
She has confined herself on
Like living trapped in a maze
Running around
Yet never finding an escape
Maybe death will be
Her only escape
It's truly a tragedy
Don't fall into society's trap
They want you to be as brainwashed
As you are
Sweet naive child
If I could help you open your eyes
I would
But I don't think you even want to be helped
Living in denial
Living in a spiral
Falling down
Deeper and deeper
Every day
Grab ahold
Of your life
Take charge
I know you can do it
I saw you at your worst
And I still believed in you....
I never lost hope for you
And even though you hurt me
You're still as beautiful as ever
That I can't deny
Such a beautiful lie
 So keep humming that bittersweet beat
Accompanying your every movement
Your ignorance is toxic
You are a melancholy melody
Playing a song that no one can understand
Not even yourself
A symphony of destruction....

Poison Candy

I can hear whispers in the wind
Faded but still there
The past follows me
Haunts me at every corner
I see your smile
In my head
I still remember the sound of your laughter
How could I forget
You still show up
In my dreams
Like you did before I met you
And your memory won't leave me the fuck alone
Sometimes I wish I never met you
Sometimes I wish I could erase you from my memories
Just get rid of you
But then I'd erase some of my most favorite moments
And even though you hurt me
You were still one of my favorite people
I don't know what it was about you
I still can't figure it out
Why was it you
And why is it still you
Something invisible seems to draw me to you
Like some kind of force
Pulling me towards you
Like a moth is drawn to a light
Only to die from the direct contact
Like an addict
Keeps going back to the poison
Digging their own grave
I guess some of the best things are meant to kill us
Maybe that's why we're not immortal....

You're just a ghost now....

It doesn't matter what brought you here, what matters is that you stayed....

Tomorrow could be one day too late.. So do what you can today.. Nothing in life is guaranteed, not even life itself.

Someone once told me that I have to choose what I win or lose. Cause you can't have everything.. But with you, I have everything.. So you're the one I'd always choose....

And now I'm numb
But the tears
They still come
Nothing seems to supress the effect
You have on me
I could be so high
So carefree
But somehow
I still think of you
Even when I'm fucked out of my mind
You still seem to find your way into my thoughts
Pervading them
But you don't always fuck with my high
Because I don't mind remembering you
I would never want to forget you
It's just funny
That when I smoke to forget
I still remember you
And I miss you....
It's quite strange actually
The effect you have upon me
Or rather the effect I allow you to have
But I guess I kind of like it
If even just a little
Because it takes me back to the days when we were together
And if I close my eyes when I'm high
I can almost see you smiling back
It's like I'm smoking with you
Your memory, your everlasting impact
It still follows me around
And haunts me
And I'd be scared
But I'm not
Sometimes though
I just wish you would leave me alone
Because it hurts too much
I try to ignore any thoughts associated with you
But so many things remind me of you
And sometimes I even think I hear your voice
We may not be together
We'll never be
But you still haunt me....

Everything hurts, in the end....

Come with me
Don't be afraid
Everyone hurts you
Even if they would never mean to
Everyone hurts us in the end..
Remember that
When all we have left
Is the memories
It's gonna hurt
It's inevitable
When you love someone
No matter how good they were to you
It's always going to hurt
So don't be afraid
Just live for the moment
Try to be happy
Appreciate
Every
Little
Thing
While it's still here
While you still can
Someday we won't be together
But for right now
Take my hand
Let's run away
Together
Wherever..
What's the difference
When our fate is the same
Either way
None of us are to blame
But still
I'm sorry for the pain....

Don't leave what you can do today
For tomorrow
It's true
What they say
We aren't promised another day
So live for the moment
Say what you need to say....

Stab me, with your words.. Your tongue is sharp..

Sing me a sad song
That makes me cry
That makes me feel alive
That pain
That sting
It shocks me
Like a violent jolt
Of electricity
Running through me
Reminding me
That I can still feel
And there's still so much more to life
To be felt
Not just this melancholy moment
I seem to remain stuck in repetition
Replaying hurt and pain
With every memory running through my brain
It's a neverending battle
Of emotions
But the happiness
It's worth it
And that's what I'm fighting for
My right to be happy
Again..

Tell me now.. Tell me again.. So I can relive it once more..

We made mistakes
At the wrong time
With the wrong person
In the wrong state of mind
But that's how a mistake is made
When all those wrongs are in play
Maybe that's why it's not me and you today
Because you were one of them
You were a mistake waiting to be made....
But why did it feel so right?
When I was with you
By your side..

Smoke inhaled
Breathing part of me in
Part of the air I breathe out
Can you taste me?
Even through all those chemicals?
Do you crave me?
More than the nicotine
Running through your veins

....

watching a doc on the bloods and crips and one of the og's talking about how her oldest bro who wasn't even in a gang was shot in the back of the head and killed on impact. The way she recalled her brother broke my heart; "he was so humble, wouldn't even hurt a fly.." She said they would ask him to kill a fly and he'd stutter and be like "n-no why don't you kill it? the fly got a right to live just as much as you got a right to live.." broke my heart

'Time Traveling'

Reversing damage is, in a sense, traveling to the past. When we long to return to older times, it's usually because it was a time before certain things had taken place. If we were to relive those times, not necessarily the exact memories and emotions associated with those times (which are virtually impossible to recreate), we would be younger. However, I don't think reversing age would cause us to un-grow completely. Certain aspects that come with age, like height, would be irreversible. Imagine a flower, and trying to revive it and then at the same time trying to revert it back to it's budding stage, before it had petals; that's a little more complicated and pretty near impossible. Theer are things that are fragile and cannot be 'patched back up,' if you will; like imagine blowing your brains out onto to the wall, putting your brain back together and reviving you would be virtually impossible. Some things cease to exist; when you burn something, for example, you wouldn't be able to revert it back to it;s exact original form. Down to every tiny woven fiber that makes up something, the structure of a specific thing is complicated and more fragile than we think. Therefore, preservation and being proactive are two important factors. Just imagine how grand it would be, to go back to being young, enjoying your childhood all over again, but with all the knowledge you have now. Not that certain events can be taken back, but we can experience new memories with newfound knowledge and a clearer perspective so that we can make smarter decisions to impact new experiences. Some things can be reversed, not all. However, some things can be fixed, yet not erased. With age comes a lot of disadvantages; since the body can't reproduce cells at its original rate, health complications are more prevalent; thus causing the effects of a disease to be more prominent and eventually leading us to our demise. And you can slow down time, in a sense, by prolonging/preserving cell life. The more you care for your body, the slower you age. However, other factors contribute to the damage and destruction of your mortal form; disease can be hereditary, passed down from generation to generation heightening your chances of suffering from the given condition. The first step is promotong longevity, because our bodies do have internal clocks ticking and being able to reverse effects would take a lot of research and time. It's not only aout finding the ways to go about it, but it's about finding the best ways; the most efficient ways. Our main concern as a species is survival; it's instinctual. It seems like every day we gamble with death, the game of life is a risky affair. We must find our way around death and avoid it as much as possible in order to reach a certain age where we have the capability and garnered knoweldge to reverse the effects that aging or a specific disease/condition has caused. It's about, basically, restarting our internal clocks and reliving 'the past' again. This would be the cycle of eternal life. But it's much more complicated than it sounds. I cannot stress the importance of longevity enough; it's like adding extra time to your perpetually unwinding internal clock. Maintenance and preservation of cells is key; the wear and tear of cells is what causes magnified health problems, aging, and eventually death. Scinetists have discovered that an important component of preserving cell life is telomeres; the ends of cells that bind them together. Avoiding harmful things, such is the saying 'you are what you eat,' and opting for healthier things is (ideally) preferrable. But in a world like the one we live in, it's definitely not an easy task. With free radicals polluting the air we breathe and chemicals being added into the food we consume, staying healthy has become more of a challenge than it should be. Being aware and attentive to your surroundings is what's important though, so you can learn to be proactive and avoid these things. I will feature a list, on a blog focusing more on the subject this regards (modest-genius.blogspot.com), and help get you on the right track.

Forgive my perpetual hesitance, my ever haunting negligence.. Some words will just remain unspoken, tucked away into the crevasse of my thoughts, eternally awaiting to unwind into a lovely array of words and emotions for you.... Bleed out beauty and have it seep into your memories so that's it's forever engraved in your heart and soul... Because I want you to always know, how truly special you are..

I'm sure you would like someone to kiss you
And tell you you're special
And hold you close
When you're cold
When you're afraid
Envelop you in a loving embrace
Bleeding out real raw love
No filter
Just me
And you
And the love we share

Well
You know..
I dream of doing that to you
Every damn other night..
But I could never fulfill it in real life
Because that's not the love we share
Maybe it could be
But neither of us
Will ever make the first move
Or even entertain the possibility of it
Because we are each confined within our own minds
Not willing to realize
Take a chance and try
Fear sets limits
I can't stare into your eyes for more than a few seconds
Before turning away
I fear
Pushing you away
Or scaring you
I'm afraid
Of falling even deeper in love with you
So I resist my temptations
Every time I'm near you
To get lost in your eyes
And kiss your smile
Why do you have to smile like that at me?
Your laughter gives me butterflies
And chills
Can you.. Just not?
Sometimes I just want to avoid you
I want to stay away
But that would be selfish of me
Because I value our friendship
Even if that's all it'll ever be..
And I promised you I would be there
And I want to be there
For you
But you don't know the struggle I face
Every time I look at your face
.... Or do you?
I doubt it
You seem so set in your ways
Afraid to try anything new
Perfectly happy in your secure little world
But is anything ever secure?
Well what I know
Is that I'm for sure
When I say I love you
And I can feel it
In my soul
Deeper than anything physical
A genderless connection
Love, love
Oh love
It's hard to decipher
But I know it's real
When I can feel it
And you ignite me with passion
It's amazing
How just being in your presence can do that
I wish you knew this
Every time you feel worthless
Any time you feel inadequate
I just want you to know
How special you are..

Let me catch your smile, trap it in a photograph, so I can keep it forever....

Legs shaking, palms sweaty, but I still stood by your side
Because the kiss that followed was worth it
I nearly choked when you leaned in
Too afraid to close my eyes
Kissing you with eyes wide open
But so was my heart
Welcoming all your love
While filling every love deprived hollowness in you
Fear and doubt set in, worry took over, but I still persevered
Through it all
But you couldn't do what I did do for you
Not that I ever expected you to
Those sugar coated lies can be deceiving though
Just like your kisses

I want to go to a place
Where happiness runs deep into rivers and into the mountains
But sadness
It reminds us how wonderful happiness is
It helps us appreciate it more
Because I don't think we can even acknowledge we've been happy
Until we've been sad
Because then we can truly enjoy the moment
Because we know how horrible it is to feel sad
And we cherish every beautiful memory
The laughter
And every smile
Because sadness opens our eyes
It makes us realize
Where we were
And where we can be
And how quickly you can lose something
And I don't think you'd realize that
If you were to be happy your whole life
I think people would just take it for granted
Because they couldn't fathom any other emotion
They wouldn't know anything less
Or anything more
Life is about balance

Keep my photograph
So that you never have to let me go
Memories
Moments
Frozen in time
Our love is captured within it
Let me catch your smile
So that everytime you look at my photograph
You can feel that emotion spark up again
As if you're reliving it like the first time
Stare into my eyes
They still sparkle for you
I'll keep your photograph
So I never have to say good bye....

You've done more than you give yourself credit for....

Your smile
Still makes
Everything okay
It's amazing
How such a simple thing
Can have such an impact
And hold so much meaning
I don't think you'll ever realize
How important and special you are
And how much you can change
With just your smile....

Even the air we breathe is toxic....

And even now
That you're gone
Your inspiration
Still carries on
A lasting effect
Like your everlasting memory
Remembering your smile inspires
But most of all
My promise to you
It retracts and bounces back to me
Every once in a while
Reality smacking me
Pestering me
But I want to
I want to do it
I was just discouraged
Pushed off the path
Fog blinded my way
But now it's clear
Remembering how happy I made you
When nothing else interfered
It makes it worth it
I want to be who I told you I would
Because I know that I could
Sorry if that sounds vain
Sorry if my ambitions are a little insane
But your argument is inane
When I'm proving you wrong
Day by day
I'm running along
Still not falling off
Still going strong
You didn't believe me
But your smile did
And to make it even more clear
I'm not doing this for you
I'm doing this for me
Now I'm not turning around
Too far ahead to even look back
I'm staying on track
It hurts
But I can push through the pain
To live is to relive everything again
Regret and tears
Frustration and fears
Fighting just to stay alive
It's a daily struggle
A bitter pill to swallow
But don't quit now
You've still got more road to follow
And you said you'd follow through
At the end of each day
You can't deny what's true
The light may be gone
But the truth shines through
You know what you live for
As much as you know why you're fighting
Because it's worth it
Life and happiness is
Those moments of sheer bliss
Maybe even in ignorance
But hey
At least they help me get by
And sometimes I don't want to hear
What they say
Drugs are bad for you
Okay
Well I chose my poison pretty wisely
I want to feel so numb
I can't feel that I'm dying
I can't even feel my face when I'm crying
But they're tears of joy
I promise
It seems like the best things in life
Are made to kill you
And I'd rather die happy
Than live sad
So seduce me and poison me
Like a snake hunting its prey
Wrap yourself around me
Pretend you love me
As you slowly suffocate me
My drug
My candy
You make everything fine and dandy
But I don't want to live that way
I just want everything to be okay
I want to escape
Let me get the hell away
That's what they say
Until they realize that nothing in this world
Is ever really okay
People seem to only remember why they left
But not why they came
And then they slowly start to remember
Those intoxicated days
People complain about the consequences
But forget the happiness that preceded it
Pleasure is a package deal with pain

~ Your Daily Dose of Daisy ~

In mourning, in the morning....

For another day lost

Wasting time mourning over lost time....

~~~

Love me, love me
I want to let you in
And I'm sorry it wasn't sooner
I just didn't know where to begin
You're so much to take in
That I lose my breath around you
I can barely look at you
I think I'd get lost just looking at you
Even more than I already am
Since you came into my life
I lost my direction
You gave me a new destination
With your glistening eyes
You created a new motivation
So invigorating
It made me feel like I could skyrocket
Into outer space
Away from everything I know
Where I don't have to know
With you by my side
All I want to know is that you'll love me forever
So love me, love me
I'm sorry it took me all this time
To realize
What it was I was trying to find
When I thought I was looking for myself
I really just wanted to make you mine
Because without you
I'm nothing
And I only want to be found by you
I want to travel the world with you
Learn together
Grow together
Like the roots of a tree
Your love is embedded in me
It brings me to life
It gives me purpose
You gave me
A sense of importance
You believed in me
When I didn't
You made me into who I am
You helped me find myself
Because with you
I am found
And without you
I am lost....

Things will remain just as beautiful as you found them, if you never stop believing in them.

Your smile ignites my soul like fire....

Copper colored pennies
Rusty yet they still shine bright in the light
Just like your soul
You poor weary traveler
Polish your perception
Notice the little things
Appreciate what usually can't be seen
Oh don't you know
That the best things
Are usually appreciated with the heart
You might not see them
Oh but you can feel them
And the things that are truly gold
They never lose their shine
Your smile can still light up
A whole room
Your touch can still fill me with passion
And make me feel alive
Your kisses still taste like the first time....
I love you
And with that eternal love in your heart
And in your eyes
That glisten when I look into them
I want you to be forever mine
You're a real gem
Your beauty still finds a way
To break through
And with every glance
A piercing blue
A smile so true
Even the birds think so too
As they sing for me and you
Like they did on the first day we met


She never stopped to truly appreciate things
So that time fled past her
And good things got away
She never mourned the last light of day
For she's become used to waking up
Wasting time
Seems to be part of her daily routine
Skipping along the tracks of time
Humming a merry tune
As she leads herself to her own demise
But never truly finding what makes her happy
She's a lost soul
Too blind
Too preocupied
With unimportant things
To realize
What she's missing out on
Every day is a chance
But every day that passes
Is a chance lost
Laying there
On her bed
Watching mindless shows
That only seem to perpetuate
Her ignorance
She rolls over during a commercial break
And starts to play with the hourglass
Beside her bed
Not realizing something good
When it's right in front of you
Instead of trying to find herself
She loses herself more
Twirling and dancing along
With the flow of life
Not caring
Like she should
Not caring
For what she should....
Watching the grains of sand
Run through
She's mesmerized
Like a fool
Hypnotized
Every day is a repetition
A static scene
Of her stagnant life
She's running
But never knowing where
Moving
Yet not really getting anywhere
Can't even tell North from South
She even has trouble guiding herself home
Because maybe she seemingly has one
But in reality it's only the illusion of a home
Walls aren't what make a true home
They are merely shelter
A real home is when you feel
Like you belong
Somewhere
And she never seems to
Well she never seems to search further
Than the surface
Oversees important details
Things that would help her realize....
Things that could guide her home
But she's too far lost
In a sea of her own
Stranded on her own island
She has confined herself on
Like living trapped in a maze
Running around
Yet never finding an escape
Maybe death will be
Your only escape
It's truly a tragedy
Don't fall into society's trap
They want you to be as brainwashed
As you are
Sweet naive child
If I could help you open your eyes
I would
But I couldn't help you
And I don't think you even want to be helped
Living in denial
Living in a spiral
Falling down
Deeper and deeper
Every day
Grab ahold
Of your life
Take charge
I know you can do it
I saw you at your worst
And I still believed in you....
I never lost hope for you
And even though you hurt me
You're still as beautiful as ever
That I can't deny
Such a beautiful lie
Bitter sweet beat
Accompanying your every movement
You are a melancholy melody
Playing a song that no one can understand
Not even yourself
A symphony of destruction....

And She Still Loves You

Confined
Within her own mind
Physically letting go
But never mentally

You fill me with such emotion and make me want to write and sing and dance and live forever..

I wish you could've been with me
Through every chapter of my life
So that maybe you could understand me better
And maybe you would love me more....

Emotions take flight
Like butterflies
Carry them away with the wind
Let my tears roll out
Into rivers
And join into them
Memories lost in time
But I can still remember
The way you made me feel
Just one look
Is all it takes
Life is like sand
Running swiftly
Through your fingers
Emotions paper thin
Words cutting deep
Effective
Yet stealthy
Leaving no trace
Only the tears
Running down her face
Kill her quickly
Softly
Sweetly
Feed her lies
Sugar coat everything
Poison her with candy

Yeah, this..

Boo hoo you fucking turd go get run over by a train choo choo

She tried to run from the stench
Yet she couldn't escape the wretched wench

Yep..

Compared to you, she looks like a turd on the side of the road. With tits.

The light in your eyes then....

The life
And the light
In your eyes
Then
So alive
So bright
So vivid
And ecstatic
How can it go from that
To pure darkness
Static....

Having to see you like that
The last I saw of you
I feel hollow
I'm alive
But feel like an empty shell
I need someone to ignite my soul

There is always room for improvement.

Freedom, to run. Freedom, to stop and realize..

Where are you now?
You were here
So alive
And so happy
And now you're gone
Just like that
Like a flash of light
You're gone
Like you never existed
And remain as only a memory
A distant dream
Where has the life in you fled?
Where have you been led?
I want to go there with you
I need to see you again
And not just in a photograph
I tried to keep you from leaving
But I couldn't make you stay
And I learned that the best way
To keep you from going away
Is to let you escape
So that you'll realize what made you stay
And maybe return someday
So roam free
My love
The love you gave to me
Will always live within me
I will never forget
And I will always regret

"A Normal Person"

I know that nothing will happen
If tomorrow you don't see me
And I have to accept
That for this dreamer
You no longer have an interest in
I was never your priority
Or your center of attention
And I have to accept
That if I used to be
Now I'm not inside of your heart

I'll make myself pass as a normal person
Who can be without you
That doesn't feel bad
And I'm gonna smile
So that my sadness goes
Unperceived
And I will handle this maturely
I will leave
And for the first time
I promise not to cry
And I'm gonna smile
So that my sadness goes unnoticed

What do I tell them?
Of your disappearance
I have to just accept
That if I was in your heart
Now I'm not

I'll make myself pass as a normal person
That can live without you
That doesn't always feel sad
And I'm gonna try and smile
So that my sadness is not perceived
With maturity
I will distance myself
And for the first time
In what feels like forever
I promise I won't cry
And I'm gonna smile
So that my sadness goes unnoticed....

Violent Death

I imagine how gruesome and terrifying it must be to die at the hands of some psychopath. Your last thoughts of panicking fear and the pain, the excruciating pain of being shot or stabbed into multiple times. Or perhaps they fucked with you first and dragged your death out. And the last thing you see is their face, as you cry and scream for help.... It gives me chills.... 

I become paranoid sometimes; I fathom someone breaking into my house and murdering me while I sleep. I imagine someone coming in through a window and sneaking into the room I'm in, as I sit there unknowing of the doom that's upon me.

I imagine someone with long dark hair, a pale face, a creepy smile and demeanor creeping towards me with a shining silver blade. 

I tend to entertain the thought of creepy things because of my lively imagination, so I'm constantly freaking myself out.

Help me love you..

Is there a book on the art of love? Because here I am just trying to love you, and I seem to always mess it up.... Maybe that's part of love, so that when you mess up, they'll pick you back up and then you'll know that they really love you too....

....

At this point, it unfortunately seems like there is no universal truths because people seem to be more concerned with creating their own realities rather than perceiving reality the way it should be to help us find the ultimatum in truth. But the truth cannot be changed, it is there; to some more redundant than others. And the truth can and should affect people. The truth can change people. But it has been clouded and buried under all this debree of misinformation, hence the ignorance in people.

....

Now after going back and reflecting on everything that was said and done and how certain things could've been done differently to avoid problems, I realized that the main reason I stressed myself so much and repeated things was because you never seemed to get my intial point or the good intentions behind it. Behind why I wanted us to find the loopholes in the system and avoid the typical/society robot lifestyle, getting caught up in a neverending cycle; feeding into it, perpetuating it. And your friends and my dislike of them and how I realized that some of them were fake and had hidden motives, which reminded much of just how people work in general. And I'm sorry for trying to seclude you from society and the true nature of people; I'm sorry I became protective and my dislike of humanity affected me to that extent. But I feel like if you would've understood where I was coming from and not just payed attention to how I was going about it, then we could've united together and found solutions. Instead of just leaving everything unresolved. One of my main intentions was unity in doing things right. And yes, my mind overwhelms me too, I am attentive to pretty much everything I come in contact with. But I have learned that some things are not worth wasting my time on. I have this thirst for knowledge and I love, absolutely love, attaining and distributing it. My quest for helping find ultimate truths started from an early on age, and I had tried to explain this all to you. But you never really cared to listen to my story, you never even really cared about me. So I was wasting my time with you too. I had been misunderstood a lot because of how different I truly was. People didn't really operate like me or were as attentive to things as I was. Everyone else just seemed to follow what other people were doing and I hated that; it was like zombies, the brainwashed masses feeding into the system like brain dead zombies. I realized this from an early on age, how people were tailored to fit certain needs and different things; how the education system was set up. I payed attention to all the details surrounding things and took note of everything mentally. I started trying to stitch together the pieces myself and try and find some relief from all of this. An escape. But I seeemd to always find myself trapped in the midst of it, surrounded by these hoards of zombies. And then I slowly started realizing the truth about everything and the true nature of people and it affected me. I became dissapointed in people and even ashamed to call myself human. I perpetually felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Until I met you, and our amazing connection sparked, and your arms felt like coming home. I felt complete, I had found my security; my certainty. What I had been searching for. But after some time, you seemed to misunderstand me like other people did. And our miscommunication caused fights and what not. That led to us forming ill interpretations of each other. When we were really just desperately trying to be understood. But it was a learning process, we were learning to do things right. We were trying to get to know each other so we could mesh together better and work as a team supporting each other.

If there weren't solid facts, a reason to garner knowledge and try to find evidence, then there wouldn't be a reason to do anything or learn anything. Because nothing would be true and are we even exisiting? That sounds like a load of bull to me; there is reason, there is certainty. This is what we strive towards. But because people are highly ignorant creatures, brainwashed, and what not; we have all of these clashing heads and misinformation being distributed; when we should just be focusing on the facts, our basis of ultimate truths.

And then we realize why so many things are being done wrong; because people aren't right.

Either way you are exceptional and there's no one else like you..

No absolutes would mean that nothing is ever 100% true or false, right or wrong. But we must remember that there is ultimatum and exception. There are tools we have created to help us find facts. Using scientific measurements we are able to properly measure and distinguish/identify things.

Usually to make an absolute, it takes more than one thing. All the correct things put together, like puzzle pieces. But this world is like a scattered puzzle and we are still piecing together everything, all of the facts and bits of information. Using ultimate truths, knowledge, and absolutes as the foundation for building our knowledge upon. The truth has always been there, we just need to identify it properly. Cigarettes had always been harmful to one's health. But factors, like ignorance and lack of investigation/etc. caused us to be misinformed on them. But they have always been harmful. Now unless something alters their production, by synthetic measures and what not, they will remain harmful. Much like anything else. What we need to change is the things being done wrong; they need to become right and stay that way. We need to exert consistency in the right places; it's crucial.

It's not easy to be me..

"Daisy has always been obsessed with finding the facts that surround things, the building blocks, the pieces of a puzzle. She has been obsessed with finding the ultimate truth and living the best life possible, doing the correct things. Finding ways around the system, debunking the bullshit and myths." I think I'm a natural scientist, I think people who have a hunger for knowledge usually are. And sometimes I can't help it, it's as if it's part of my mission; to contribute to that.

Life

I know I'm hard to understand sometimes..
I know I get complicated..
Like a puzzle you can't put together..
But so is life in general..
So come help me put the puzzle pieces together..
I know the pieces fit..

Misanthropy- The realization that humans ultimately only care about themselves, creatures with egos, ones that destroy everything around them for their own benefit and/or satisfaction.

Cursed or gifted?: Being detail oriented and noticing the details in things..

General facts. There is absolutes and they are the basis of knowledge/truth that we use to build up on and expand on. There is exception. Having the correct morals. the four absolutes, the yardsticks/building blocks; what people had to build on. You can have your own opinions, but not your own facts. People's problem is that they perceive things how they want to and not how they should be.There is general facts and people tend to be ignorant and disregard those. My frustration came mainly from this; and it caused me, being naturally detail oriented, to stress out certain things that to some may be redundant, but others not so much. I emphasized on certain things. I was really fighting to find unity, to do things right. My dislike of the human race came from how they were mainly doing things wrong. But we fought and you attacked me and I was trying to make points to help unite us; to avoid ignorance and form some kind of unity in our thinking.

Sometimes we need absolutes or ultimate truths.

Always struggling to find security in this world, certainty.

Looking for solid answers. the facts.

The truth is incontrovertible; malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is. - Winston Churchill

The ultimate truth. the quest for finding the solids in life. Like you and I.

truthcontest.com

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. - George Orwell

Truth is by nature self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear. - Gandhi

People can't change the truth, but the truth can change people. - Unknown

All of these worldviews, some ignorant, some unecessary, some misinformed. this is why we must focus on ultimate truth and what is generally right. have correct morals and strive to overall make the world a better place and improve the quality of life.

We all have to live and die, so the truth about it concerns us all.

I believe I was made to help realize/spread truth/facts. And oppsoe ignorance, debunk the bullshit. I have been detail oriented and attentive my whole life. and yes it gets frustrating at times. Because I notice all these details and I'm always searching for facts. It can get tedious. But I really hope to be a scientist someday and directly contribute to the field of knowledge.

........

Nights spent talking
With you
Getting to know you
Falling in love
And now you're just a stranger..
Your mouth
Your tongue
Unraveling words
That fall out like
Grenades ticking down
Building up
And exploding with insults
That dig in deep
Every grenade leads to destruction
Like every hurtful word you spit out
And I helped fuel you with ammo
I was foolish
But so were you
You were a lot of different things
And I could never quite put my finger on it..
Such an intense connection
That sparked at first contact
Can't be recreated
To every little woven down part of you
Every little bit of you
Stitched together
Such a complicated lovely
Intricate creation
Every complex piece of your puzzle
You beautiful bitch..


When she was bad
She was horribly dreadful
But when she was good
She was extraordinarily amazing

There is light at the end of the dark tunnel....

I didn't think I'd find love again, but here I am.... The thing is, is that I realized that where I thought there was real love, there wasn't. That wasn't love, as much as I loved it. I devoted myself completely, I gave all my love. But that wasn't love and I wasted my time. I'm happy I found real love.

So a friend imposed this question on me: Should I be loved or love?

I think there needs to be a balance. Balance is important. And sometimes we're so busy loving others that we forget to love ourselves in the midst of it; we neglect ourselves and loving yourself is the first step to finding love and happiness. You need to love yourself and be confident in yourself and take care of yourself. Value your life, as little as you may have, at least you're still here breathing and heart beating. At the very least. Life is a beautiful thing and has potential. People seem to forget and lose hope when times get tough, but when all hope seems to be lost is when you should be thinking of giving up the least, cause that's a time to fight even harder to get past whatever obstacles life has thrown at you. There is always a light at the end of a tunnel, not all is darkness. Remember that, when your road seems long and weary. When you feel so tired like you can't go on any further and you just want to burrow in a corner of that lonely dark tunnel and drown deeper in misery. No! You fucking keep on running! With bleeding soles, you reach the end of that tunnel, you have made it this far and your blood sweat and tears are only evidence of how much you've endured. Scars are only proof of the pain you've lived, a symbol of strength and endurance to show you that you CAN survive and get through it. Believe in yourself, give yourself some more credit. Let your anger and frustration help push you farther down this tunnel of tough times, make them be your incentive. There is end and there is beginning. Misery and sadness are only temporary. You will find happiness if you don't give up and you will appreciate it so much more when you have to fight for it. You learn to appreciate things more, even just life, when you have to work for it. It's like resting; it's more appreciated at the end of a long hard day of work, rather then just laying around sleeping in bed all day cause you're lazy cause then it gets taken for granted.

It's not that I didn't have any friends

I was just willing to sacrifice everything for you

But you didn't deserve anything from me

Or even close to what I gave you

Movies, television, and the media in general..

They lack originality and actual talent. Super edited.. Generic story-line.. I guess a main concern nowadays is appealing to the masses and money. Sellouts. Fakes. Over glamorized celebrities. I just want raw natural talent and some originality, something truly worth watching. I'm picky, and just a detail oriented person in general. Once in a while they release a movie that's decent, generally well-made. The upcoming Star Wars movie, for example. But it seems like it's always tied to a classic anyway. At least most of the time. Fifty Shades of Grey and Straight Outta Compton make me weep for the future of films, just to name a couple.

Fuck ya

Wasting life
Wasting time
Thinking about stupid shit
And then writing about it
Hah....

Anyway

Read this, just read this next time:

Pussy ass bitch
can't fight for shit
excess of flatulence
grimy hairy hippie
rude disrespectful
cocky stubborn
lying shit talking
cross eyed
backstabbing
two faced
fake
society robot
following the masses
unappreciative
ungrateful
and unwilling
twat
crazy self harming
destructive
violent
parasite
mooching
feeding
perpetuating
lazy
insecure
depressed
homo

and that's enough of this.

Ahh fuck this..

Thoughts bouncing back and forth between caring and not, fuck this. Like I'm so conflicted, I care but I don't want to....

........

There's always that one person who can never seem to leave your mind, no matter what you do. It's because you had such an impact on me and I experienced some of the most special moments with you.... You were my first true love and the first person I made love to. And besides, you were exceptionally beautiful and your arms felt like home.... How could I ever forget you? None of that can ever be replaced. Not your touch, your laugh, your face.. And that smile, that smile that made everything worthwhile. I'm endlessly sorry and I love you, forever and always. Damn it..

If only you could understand me, then you would realize. If only you would've stopped to actually try and listen. Everything was rooted in my love for you and fear of losing you. I was protective of you, but what a waste, how pointless.. When I still lost you. Being protective of someone shouldn't matter, when they really love you, because nothing can take them away.. "Oh you were a chore." For someone that truly loves you, it will be a privilege.

One of the hardest things I've had to do?

Watch the person I love walk away, forever.

Jjdhfjkdhdk

I imagine smoke surrounding me like fog, different colored smoke, as I jump around shredding on a Fender. Ripped pants, low cut top, snake bites, a few tattoos, and my long blonde hair hanging down in my face as it sways back and forth with every jump I make. Or switch the guitar with a drum set, I'm more passionate about drums anyway.

Mmm

I think the idea of making love in public, but somewhere like an empty beach, out in the open by the water.. That sounds romantic and thrilling, like feeling so free and the risk of being caught. Out in the open, surrounded by nature, making love passionately, as the waves come and go on the beach and you nearly avoid getting washed away with them. It just adds to the thrill..

Uncaged

Do you love her?
Then you will let her go
Like the caged bird
You will let them spread their wings
And fly away
Such a bittersweet goodbye
But if they loved you back
It won't be forever
They will return
Love comes back
But don't wait on it
You may be dissapointed
At least feel good
That you were sincere
It still hurts to this day
Watching you go away
But it was the best gift I could've given you
So maybe someday you will realize
And appreciate more
And enjoy more
And not be such a sad lonely soul
Because I love you
And I wish you only happiness
Even if it's not with me

Damn it..

Sometimes I get a longing for the past
Sometimes I want to run so fast
Back to you
Back into your arms
And make my dreams come true

These feelings
These little feelings I get
Tainted with regret

'Religion'

My mother had attempted to indoctrinate me at a young age, yet The Bible only stood out as any other fairytale I was read to as a kid, not the basis of my beliefs.

Exception

How do you exist

When humans are inherently selfish and flawed....

Interconnected Energy, Connecting and Disconnecting, Weaving Through Each Other, Finding It's Way Back Together In The End

Don't weep

Oh weary one

For the past is long gone

What was once sought

What you relentlessly fought

It's over

Let it be

Let it rest

Lay yourself down to sleep

When someone is dead and gone

They are no longer in pain

No misery

So why entertain these emotions within yourself

Torturing yourself

They are free from what you suffer

Everyday

Grieving for them

Do not worry so much

Oh weary one

They are at peace

At one with this amazing universe now

Not trapped in the jail cell of a body

No longer in flesh form

No longer confined to this bittersweet life

Be happy for them

Never forget them

But don't keep their memory alive

By remembering the bad things

Keep the good things 

Treasure them

And let go of the bad

It's not worth holding onto

Although you'll never forget what happened

And regret haunts you

Every now and then

Try to remember your dearly departed

And smile

In commemoration of them

Light a candle 

Let it burn bright

In their honor

Let your positive energy flow out

And join with their's

With the universe

Become one with it as well

So that you don't have to completely let go

Of what you loved so dearly

Because they're around you

They surround you

And they're a part of you

Together you make up the energy force in the universe

Memories stay strong

Vivid and clear

It's as if they were still here

And maybe they're closer than you think

We just can't see them

Oh but I can feel them

I don't say goodbye

I say 'until we meet again'

Because we will always be interconnected

In some way

And energy is powerful

Just like the love I still bleed out for you

I hope it finds its way to you

My Mind Is Happy When I'm Intoxicated

Minds collecting
And recollecting
Tired
Of learning the same stuff
Seeing the same shit
Replay
It replays in my head
Even though you're gone
And dead
Our minds are servants
To our ignorance
Poor tortured mind
I'm sorry for all these things
My eyes have seen
And you've had to keep a memory of

Dumbing down
For society
For little to no compensation
For our relentless efforts
We're here fighting
Resisting
Intoxicating ourselves
Following the masses
Feeding into the bullshit
Consuming
Perpetuating
Bowing down to higher powers
The ever influencing media
Corporate leaders
The government
We are your slaves
But is it even voluntary
Or are we all just brainwashed
Well if you can acknowledge it
If you're aware
Then at least you have a chance
To save yourself
But it's not an easy task
When you're in the minority
And keep getting knocked back down
Into the pile of flesh bags
Being controlled
Manipulated
As they're thrown bread crumbs
Like birds
All flocking together
To feed
Poor brittle bones
Overworked
To support the lazy
Your authorities
While they're sitting somewhere
Sipping their fine wine
Laughing
And enjoying the good life
Not giving a shit about you
Or your starving family
Your ever starving soul
Longing for freedom
An escape
From the never ending cycle
Falling into a spiral
Spiraling down
To our demise
Together we fall
But together we can rise....

Do what you can do now

What's happened has happened

And with every stride in time

It's more long gone

You are only prolonging the pain

Someday you will find

That what's important will remain

The memories

Those images of moments

From the past

That can still make you smile

A happiness that lasts for a while

Like a dose of medication

To help ease the pain and frustration

Yet sometimes 

It only makes it harder

To let go of the hurt

Because everything seems to be tied in

Together

Separate the good from bad

Move on

But don't ever forget

What you had

A happiness that can last

For longer than the moments passed

That's special 

And should not be forgotten

Even though you both fought

And

You can't change the past

But you can do something now

In the present

The time is fleeting

And soon you will be grieving 

For today

Don't let another good thing

Get away

There's more to this poem, I'll come back later....

Where does that life within you go
When you're no longer here
When your body's gone cold?
Where does the light in your eyes flee
I want to follow it
Such powerful energy
That emotion you ignite in me
Cannot be destroyed
I call out for you
I search high and low
But no sign no trace
Of your loving soul
Missing you is too much to bear
And I just want you to be alive and well
But you're so lifeless
When I last saw you
You were so limp and cold
How could this be
The one that I loved so dearly?
The one that I would hold?
I refuse to accept that you're just gone
There has to be something more
For me to hold on
And whatever you created in me
Is still very much alive
Your spirit was too lively
To be defeated
It had to surpass
And travel to another dimension
Your lovely ethereal energy
Floating away so magically
Like stardust in the wind
You may not be in flesh
But it's a privilege
Because you are no longer in pain
Or in need of anything
You are free from all these cares and worries
So just fly free happily
Wherever you may be
Carry the love I gave to you
With you
So we can still be connected
I hope the love I still have for you
Reaches you somehow
And becomes a part of you
I want to breathe my life into you
Re-animate you
So I can hold you
I know a part of love is letting go
But I wouldn't be able to
Not after losing you
So please
Take me with you
I want to roam free too
By your side
We'll sail through the skies
And never have to say goodbye

I'm Sorry

That life within you
Made your eyes shine so bright
And you were so curious
About everything
About this life
You barely got to live
So playful
Even neglecting
Important things
Like eating
Just to spend more time
Playing with my legs
That you took such interest in
And every other thing that
Moved
You moved my heart
Every time you stopped
To stare at me
And you would climb up on me
Just to love on me
Thank you for that
Because I did need it
As little as you were
And for what short time you were here
You made a huge difference
You are special
Little curious one
You were so eager
And excited
So loving
And so welcoming
To everyone who came into your life
So friendly
So carefree
So naive
And innocent
You needed protection
You needed guidance
You had been left alone
Too young
To fend for yourself
But maybe I couldn't help you
Because I needed guidance too
I reached out for help
To help you
And I'm sorry
For not being there
For not stopping it
I'm not sure that I could've
Things happen so quickly
Sometimes
Death can take place in an instant
And it's scary
I guess we dont realize
How fragile things are
Until they're broken
But I am learning
With a broken heart

Wherever you may be, you're free..... ~~~

Where are you now
You were here
So alive
And so happy
And now you're gone
Just like that
Like a flash of light
You're gone
Like you never existed
And remain as a memory
A distant dream
Where has the life in you fled?
Where have you been led?
I want to go there with you
I need to see you again
And not just in a photograph
So young
So naive
It was too early for you to leave
For this tragedy I grieve
Little poor lost soul
You have found another home
I have hope
You are continuing your carefree life
Somewhere else
And I hope you're happy
I just wanted to help you
I loved you so
And I should've known
I should've protected you
From the dangers of this cruel world
But I tried
And you still got away
I couldn't have you stay
I had no choice
But to let you
Run away
So roam free
My love
The love you gave to me
Will always live within me
I will never forget
And I will always regret
Forgive me
I never meant you any harm
I'd rather it be me that's gone

Savor The Simplicity of Life, Where Even Breathing Should Be a Privilege....

They say to live in the moment
And you can make every moment worth it
You can
But the first step to being able to
Is believing that you can
Sadness and anger doesn't have to be a part of it
And maybe sometimes it's worth being sad
Maybe a sad moment is an open door
To a happy moment
Maybe it takes being sad
To realize what true happiness is
Maybe it helps appreciate it more
I want to be so sad that I forget what happiness feels like
So when I experience it again
It's just that powerful and meaningful
Like fuck
I needed that
So bad
I value every second of it
Immerse myself in the moment
Let my feelings unwind
In a twirling array of color
And they vibrate
With the vibration of the music
That bittersweet beat
But I love it
Nonetheless
I crave it
I want to feel it
Inside of me
Flowing through my veins
Igniting me with passion
Bringing me to life again
Without music
I'm like an inanimate object
Just existing
Let the beat of your heart
Breathe life into me

~~~~~~~~

~Falling~

I fell down

A never ending spiral

Except I wasn't chasing a white rabbit

Where the fuck am I?

Who the fuck knows?

There's no one else here

But me

And I can't save myself

Because I don't even know how the fuck I got here...

Farewell My Once Upon A Time Lover~

You know, I'm glad you decided to separate now; I can actually say that now. Because, the thing is, I would've probably never left you. Even if I knew deep down that I shouldn't be with you; I wouldn't of abandoned you; it's just not in my nature to leave someone I love like that. And although I never wanted to completely let you go, I'm kind of glad you disconnected yourself now because it allowed, or rather forced me to disconnect. And although it hurts to say, it really is for the best because even though we could've made things work if we both wanted to; it just wasn't the case unfortunately and I would've never been able to do it alone. A relationship is compromised of two people that are working to keep the relationship, together. Not one person trying to open the others eyes and fighting for it at every break-up, doing whatever just to not lose the other person. No, I was fucking tired of that; it wasn't right.. It just wasn't right for me to be the one that kept making you realize and pleading with you to value and appreciate. I put in so much time and effort and you seemed to get over me like I was nothing; it really makes me feel unnapreciated.. It makes me feel like I wasn't worth anything, if you were able to get over me that quick. But that's not true, and that's just why I can never be with you. Because you never appreciated, you never valued what you had; you threw everything away like it was nothing, when it was most definitely something. And if you couldn't see the worth in my love or in my sacrifice and effort and perseverance, then I don't want anything to do with you. What a waste of my fucking time, really. And we talk about valuing things, hah well.. I should value my time more. It was literally like a slap, a spit in the face, when you just threw it all away. I may have been abandoned, but I am still myself and you can't take who I am away from me. To say the least, being with you was degrading to me. It really was, because of the kind of person you are. The way you treat things, the way you treat yourself; you honestly don't deserve anyone. Do everyone a favor and don't hurt anyone else. Yes, hurt is a part of love; it's almost inevitable not to get hurt in love. But being the kind of person you are, you will ultimately just end up hurting people. You told me you couldn't even trust yourself and that's honestly scary; it's dangerous. I feel free now, although I still love you and always will care for you, I feel like now I am not in need of having you. I don't need you by my side, I don't need to even see or talk to you, and it feels great. It's a relief, like chains being taken off of me. I can no longer be hurt by your actions or words because I am not in your presence anymore, you're not even an acquaintance. So don't fucking ever bother telling me you care about me, when you were able to cut me out of your life like you did. Someone who cares will at the very least want to know how you are and where you're at; and I wouldn't of minded simple open communication like that, but you chose to cut it all off and I will not ask for any kind of communication again. I will not beg to have someone I care about let me into their lives, because I care enough to respect their wishes. And it feels great now, I can breathe fine and I'm not choking up all the time. I can dance and smile and sing happy songs sincerely. And love, oh love, I have hope that I will find you again and this doesn't necessarily mean from someone else, mainly it should be from within. But I have people in my life that I know genuinely care, my real friends are few but finding people who truly care is rare, so I'm really grateful. I have a lot of people I hang out with, including my close friends, and I make it a priority to be around people I can enjoy myself around and have a good time with. I want to make as many lovely memories as I can because memories are all we really have left in the end. I don't need anyone, but it's nice to know I have people there for me. I had sacrificed everything for you, but it was never appreciated; I gave all my love and attention to you, exclusively, but you were so undeserving. I am at the point now where I can just say "Fuck you!" and it feels great; it's empowering. You are no longer in control of my emotions; you have no power over me.  

........

I never liked taking medication for my anxiety or depression, it made me feel like a zombie... I prefer just gritting my teeth and getting through it on my own which is what I've been doing for the past 2 years and I'm surviving. Getting to the root of what's causing your problems in the first place is the correct way to treat them. Figure out what's affecting you and remove it from your life or find ways to deal with it naturally, rather then solely depending on medication to solve your issues.

Society is dumbing people down, people spending time doing things they're tricked into liking because it's what everyone else is doing; partying, doing drugs, watching all these silly television shows, and whatever the fuck else... Open your eyes, realize... Value and appreciate time... Spend time doing more productive things.. This is what I strive to do....

Night Time Ponderings.....

So last night, after smoking a bowl, I was seeing flashes of light in the dark and I imagined they were time portals that could take you back in time or to the future and you could revisit old memories.. But I was pondering whether they would still pan out the same, if maybe I could time travel to the past and make everything okay again by doing things right this time..... I wish I could time travel....

Also swinging with my eyes closed makes me feel like I'm flying, striding through the skies, as free as the wind...... It makes me feel alive....

How the fuck even....

And here you are again, ready to just give your heart away again, so quickly.... When it's so hard for me to put my trust and love into someone.. It's hard to even fathom another relationship.. You really aren't picky, are you?

Why do I still want you, when I look at you? How can I get past all the shit you said and did? ....... Because you're just that lovely.....

Sometimes It's Frustrating How Much I Want To Write

I can't stop the ideas/the thoughts from coming
Constantly writing
Jotting things down in notebooks
On paper
On napkins at a restaurant
On my hand
My mind is eager to bleed out on something
Hopefully create something worth it

I've come to realize that
People will stay in your life
For a certain period of time
They are not here to stay
It's exremely rare
For someone to stick by your side
Until "death do you part"
Usually some kind of separation
Takes place
And you're back to how you originally were
Alone
But why am I so willing
To be there for you?
Even after all you've put me through
My heart feels so heavy
And weak
I wish it wasn't so hard to breathe
There's a pain in my chest
A lump in my throat
It won't go down
And it hurts to swallow
But I won't submit to defeat
Who the fuck am I kidding?
I got to get my shit together
You don't really care about me
You never really did
I was living in a lie with you
You deceived me
You poisoned me
Why do I hold on to so much hope for this?
Why do I continue to care so much?
Because I'm fucking real
And my love is sincere
And I can't help it
But I'm jealous of you
I wish I could disconnect as easily as you
I wish I could stop caring like you do
I really just wish I could be numb

I'm Just Trying To.... But That's The Best You Can Do

I'm just here to escape
Trying to find a better place
To let out these emotions
I don't dance
I rage
Against my feelings
Against the pain
I let the music flow through me
Give me a euphoric high
I just want to learn how to say goodbye
Release my past
Into the present
Let it disintegrate
Into the beat

I feel perpetually sick.....

I just feel so sick
And lonely
And foreign in this world....

I'm always left with a bittersweet aftertaste
Your love is in haste
A tease
A quick flash of bright colors
And then darkness
A surge of emotion
A dose of happiness
And then like the drop on a rollercoaster
My mood falls into the pits of my stomach
Leaving me dizzy
And caught in a daze
Lost in a haze
Wishing I would've never came
I should've appreciated it more
But really
I should've appreciated being alone more
Because we don't always get what we wish for

Love Is Also Pain

Don't try to fight it
You can't deny it
Just deal with it
It's just part of it

Isn't this what you wanted?
When you longed to be in love?
When you stared at other couples
Wishing that was you
And now that we're through
I'm sorry if it's not what you expected
I tried my best to make you happy
But I couldn't get through to you
You were so close
Yet so far away
So lost in self-loathing
And more concerned with fighting
Than understanding
Or at least trying to
Frustration would get the best of you
You were battling many demons
Inside of you
But in actuality
You weren't really
Alone
Because I was fighting
A war of my own

Don't you know it's a part of it
Pain and pleasure
Seem to be a package deal
Well
It's no pain no gain
Right?
Nothing in life is truly free
We pay a price for everything
So when you longed to hold my hand
And hold me close
Kiss my neck
And whisper into my ear
Did you expect the hurt
The fights
The pain
And the dissapointment
It's all a part of it
Stop complaining
Nothing in life is free
We pay a price for everything
But at least I can say it was worth it
All this pain I must live with now
Was worth
Just spending a single moment
With you by my side
Happy
Because now I can live
With that beautiful memory
And memories are all we really have left
In the end
Once the cake has been eaten
Once the party is over
Only the memories remain
Locked away in your brain

It hurts to know that you love someone else
Maybe even more than you loved me
But I don't blame you
Because I don't even really love myself
And I want to hate whoever that person is
But I don't
Because if they can make you happy
Then that makes me happy
I just want you to be okay
I'm sorry
I just wish you wouldn't of lied to me
Made me believe all these things
Like how I was the only one for you
So much bullshit
I can't help but hear
Echo in my ear
And replay in my head
All those things you said
How did you move on so fast?
When I can't even fathom another relationship right now?
How did you manage to fall in love so quickly?
Are you sure you're not fooling yourself?
Letting your desperation
And your loneliness
Take over you
Making you believe
Some fantasy figure
Is something you want
Something so grand
When in reality
You know that nothing can compare
And it's only a band-aid
To help heal the wound
Something to help you move on
And once they let you down as well
Once your fairytale turns to reality
You'll be back to square one
Oh sorry I don't mean to have such little hope
For you and your newfound love
I really do want you to be happy
But aren't you being a hypocrite
When you tell yourself
To stop being negative and that it'll work out
Because you didn't seem to have hope for us
When I was still holding on
You bashed me for being hopeful
You made fun of me
For finding all the rights in the wrongs
But now it's all you can do
To tell yourself it'll get better
To soothe yourself to sleep
To create a fantasy
Deep down
You know you won't be able to keep
Envision your life
Mimick your dreams
Living is not what it seems
It's too tainted
Beautiful lies are painted
Your eyes are deceived
You're fooled by the realistic illusion
Stuck in a delusion
I wish I could've saved you
I wish I could've proved to you
What's true
But you didn't want me to
Maybe because you're afraid
Like most people are
Because it may destroy
Your perfectly envisioned
Fantasy
Your hope for the future
I'm sorry
I'm just trying to be realistic
Isn't that what we had agreed to do
You just don't seem to know
How to follow through

I'm Here To Escape But Now I Kind of Just Want To Escape

I sit in a corner
Of a club
Too often visited
I don't really care
For this scene
I'm only here
To try and fit in
But why do I try
When I know I'll never belong
With them
Music is blasting
Bodies are dancing
People look like zombies
Brain dead
Moving to the beat
Intoxicated
Up in smoke
Stumbling over
Be careful not to choke
Laughter and voices
Blend in with the music
People bumping into you
Strangers trying to get at you
You seem indifferent
Of all the commotion
Taking place around you
You're so lost in the music
Drowning in the sound
Slowly swaying back and forth
I try to escape too
But I really just want to escape with you
So will you let me
Take you away
We can both run away
I'm not like those creeps
I promise
If anything
I'm like you
Lost in a place
Trying to find a place
Trying to keep up
With the fast moving
Rhythmic pace
I catch myself
Staring at the exit
More than the dancefloor
But being dragged into
The abbyss of it
Into the sea of flesh bags
By my overly excited friends
I like to dance
Don't get me wrong
But I'm not trying to
Put on a show
For anyone
Sure I can dig the beats being dropped
And dancing with friends can be fun
Drinking and laughing
And singing along to the song
Escaping and forgetting my worries
Letting the moment consume me
In a psychedelic trance
In a sea of colors
As I dance
It's not always draining
I can find a way to enjoy myself
But honestly
I would just rather be at home
Alone
With you
And my cats

I'm done... Now I just want to be numb...

Our hello was amazing
Not even planned
You just came into my life
As I did into your's
And it truly was magical

And I could never say good bye
To something like that
Forever

So can I
Just say goodbye
One last time
And maybe hold you
Like I used to
And just
No but I don't want that
Because now I don't even know what's sincere with you
You are so full of beautiful lies
Such beautiful fucking lies
Such beautiful eyes
They light up like fire
When I stare into them
Like I ignite a flame within you
And they shine so brightly for me

When we stood hugging at that park that one night
And I told you I wish we could stay in that moment forever
I wish we could've stopped time and lived in that moment forever
If I knew what was to come
I would've never let go of you
But unfortunately
Life doesn't work that way
And I had to let go
Although I felt like a piece of me ripped off
When I did
And it still hurts

How fucking unfortunate...

So most people spend their whole lives waiting for a love like we had
And some never find it
But we had it
And we lost it

You and Everything You Do

When I'm with anyone else
I feel dirty
I knew when I opened myself up to you
And I told you I only wanted to open up to one person
That I would be your's forever
Even if that means without you by my side
A part of my heart will always be your's
And being with anyone else
Would make me feel like I'm cheating
I couldn't make love to them
Like I did to you
It would just be sex
And even though we fought
And we didn't always get along
And you treated me like crap
Our amazing connection
It just felt so right
And even though you're gone
My heart still refuses to let go
Quite frankly
I don't think it ever will
But that's okay because I really did love you
It just hurts to know that you're gone
Because everything else feels so wrong
And I don't think I'll ever come home again
I'll be a lost wanderer
Until the day I die

I just want to be happy

Sometimes
I don't care what's best for me
What's best could be a miserable lifestyle
Married to a rich man with a successful career
Living in a big house
But what if I wasn't deeply in love with him?
Money doesn't buy happiness
Sometimes
I don't want what's best for me
I just want to be happy
And sometimes that's okay
Even if what makes us happy can hurt us
Because it can be worth it
Love is worth it

My Love

When you cry
And tell me all your struggles
It only makes me love you more
To know you've been through all of that
And you're still here
It makes me admire you more
It makes you shine brighter
You're a true hero
You're a fighter
And I don't give up easily either
So I'll be your sidekick
Let's fight together
I'll stay by your side forever

Just do what you love and love will remain...

Music really helps me get through hard times and cope with shit, it's like therapeutic. And I try to let all my feelings out because I know keeping them inside is not healthy. I feel like this is already a huge effort I'm making by trying to cope, rather than just laying in a bed depressed. I did that for the first few months of my loss actually, but slowly I started to push myself out of bed and distract myself. I just continue to make music and doing what I love. All we can really do in a time like this is to at least get up every day and try, just try to push forward and keep on doing what you love; keep making music, surround yourself with people who care about you, keep yourself distracted. It's what's helped me get through this and I didn't even think I'd make it this far; it's been 7 brutal months for me, but I fucking made it through even if I did have to drag myself most of the way and I'm much stronger than I was before... You know, I've come to realize that the ones you love are really never gone; they are still alive in our memories and in our hearts and in our spirit... And I know that may sound a little cheesy, but it's true. A part of them will always be with you and vice versa because you shared something that no one else can replace; that connection, that love. Continue to keep it alive through your memories because the only time something is really gone is when it dies inside of you.

This is unfair... Well, hey, life is unfair...

I'm pretty good with self control, but today I really got pushed over the edge.... I was even surprised with myself because I usually don't react like that. I know no one cares to read this, but writing/typing things out really helps me cope with things. I can really analyze a situation when I can write everything down. I was so fed up with many different things and quite frankly just didn't give a fuck about myself or life anymore so I literally beat the fuck out of myself. Maybe I picked this up partly by watching my ex do that to herself, and there's something else that got fucked up (my relationship). So I don't even want to linger on that part.... But anyway, I must've hit my head against the wall about 5 times and it was pretty hard. For a moment I stopped and I could taste blood, I could feel blood rushing in my head. And then I proceeded to punching myself and eventually just collapsed on the floor because I didn't have any more strength or energy in me... At that moment, I felt a feeling I haven't felt in a long time; carelessness.... And I felt like an emotionless object, an empty shell... And I hated that. Caring is what brings us to life, it makes things affect us. I was just so tired of giving a fuck for all this time and being taken advantage of. And in that moment, I wanted to die. Oh dear God, if you exist, I prayed for you to take me away and drop me into the depths of hell where I could burn. But what I like about death, is that there is most likely nothing. And an end, darkness, just sounds peaceful to me... Especially in a time of chaos....

I'm way too nice to people that don't deserve kindness from me at all. I bend over backwards, and hand over my paycheck, and distribute my money to even the homeless people I see wandering on the streets. And my plans of saving money for my future go straight down the drain and I feel like a fucking failure, but at least I have a good heart. And you know, I do it without expecting anything in return. But the least someone could do is not treat me like shit and be appreciative. Although it seems like that just doesn't come naturally from people. I've been brought to a point where I honestly don't want to live most of the time. I want to rot away in a hole and die. Death sounds like such a sweet escape. But the thing about me is that I don't give up easily... And what amazes me is how quickly I can pick myself back up, all alone, and keep on pushing forward; past all my tears and sweat and blood. Even with a hurting heart and bleeding veins, I can still push forward with all my might because I know I can do better. I have to have faith in myself because all you really have is yourself. Loving yourself is very important.... And you can tell me to fuck myself if I love myself, but at least I can feel confident with myself. Being alone, but happy with yourself is better than being with someone and miserable.

And I just don't have the heart to hurt others and seeking revenge would be immature. I can't hold on to resentment; I don't hold grudges. I am always forgiving and loving and welcoming of people that don't even deserve me to greet them with wide open arms. I feel so... Fucking.. Guilty.. Just thinking about hurting these people; it hurts me even more.

I had important data deleted off my phone and when I was told, "Well delete the shit off my phone then!" I took one look at this person's pictures and beautiful memories, and I just couldn't....... So then why is it so easy for others to do that to me? I don't understand that.......

Nothing Had Is Nothing Lost

I'd rather not have anything
Because everything I've ever had
I eventually lose
Either by the hands of death
Or because of some stupid mistake
Or inconvenience
And I become attached to these things
So when they're taken away
It's like a piece of me is ripped away
And a part of me goes with them
A part of my heart will always belong to them
And it's just not fair
I don't want to live with that pain
With those bittersweet memories
Because those memories
They always lead back to the bad ones
And it still hurts
I'd rather not have anything
Because nothing had
Is nothing lost
But I guess
It really is no pain no gain

Fuck This

Finding someone like you isn't an easy task to do
Because there's only one of you

Fuck you
For leaving
Fuck you
For ever kissing me
For holding my hand
For being so.. fucking.... beautiful
Fuck you
For telling me you'd always be there
For lying to me
For making me believe
Fuck youuu

I want to hate you
Or at least dislike you greatly
But I can't
I just.. can't
And it drives me crazy

Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you

Yeah, this is poetry...

Lame excuse for it, but it's something...

~Just go with the flow~

Rhyming
Flowing
Going

Let my heart be your beat
I'll make love to your ears
With words so sweet....

Crystallize, Crystal Eyes... Make Eyes Realize Lies

Skimming through things
And not finding any true meaning in them
Slow down
Take your time
You waste a lot of time anyway
Looking at a painting
And not noticing the details
Unable to distinguish things properly
So you group everything together
People, animals, nature
Instead of
Talented person
Intelligent animal
And phenomenal nature
Never appreciating anything special
How would you marvel at Mt. Everest?
How would you ever feel lucky
If finding a four-leaf clover doesn't phase you?
You don't see the value in things
Maybe because you've been catered to your whole life
Money, shelter, love
It's all taken for granted
When you don't have to work for it
But the one thing you had to work for
Your relationship
You threw it away
So it really seems
Like you don't want to work for anything
Maybe you only want to
Because you know you should
But eventually
Your true character comes out
That lazy selfish bitch
And BOOM!
You watch everything
You had
Probably forced yourself
To work for
Explode
Like your lack of will
Of care
Imploding
Productivity is hard
When you're lazy
And you lose it
You choose to lose it
Justify your persona
Did you expect it to be easier?
Did you lose hope
When the challenge
Proved to be greater than you imagined?
Everything you complained about
Are things you need to work for
Solving problems
Creating compatibility
Learning
Meshing
Persevering
And if it was easy
Everyone would be a happy couple
But monogamy is not even realistic
Just you saying it's not worth it
Proves everything
It proves how you're not worth it
Listen here
You unappreciative fuck
If someone gives you real genuine love
It's worth it
If you make a connection with someone
It's worth it
Because these are things we don't come by
So easily in this world
So feel lucky
Find things to be grateful for
Rather than complaining
It's more productive
You'll come to find
Soon enough
When reality slaps you in the face
Fuck worldviews
Fuck optimism
And pessimism
Fuck anything
But the pure solid facts
You seem to be more concerned
With denying everything
Telling yourself sweet lies
That sugar coat everything
Let me tell you
Most people's worldviews are fucked up
Because they don't perceive things
How they should be
They perceive them
How they want to
And what worries me
Is that people tend to think
That their opinions
Are just as good as knowledge
That their ill interpretation
Of a specific subject
Is just as reliable
As an actual document
A book
Something that solely distributes facts
Valid knowledge
And then people miseducate other people
And everything becomes twisted
Then suddenly
People are trying to justify their opinions
No matter how factual they are
When the truth is right in front of them
They can be yelling
It's a miracle
When it's clearly scripted
And the acting isn't all that believable
Unless your naive
Oh wait
Religious people usually are
But you gotta believe
They tell you
You gotta believe in some magic man
Without any solid proof
Oh I believe
I believe that's just called ignorance
Look Benny Hinn just healed a man
With his bare hands
Okay
Well why does he only cure people
At these conventions?
Have you thought of that?
Why isn't he at hospitals
Curing people from cancer?
Why don't disabled people
Call him up
And set up an appointment?
So they don't have to live a life
Confined to a wheelchair
Because it's scripted
He doesn't accept appointments
Because it's scripted
And they make themselves believe what they want to
I've seen this man perform live
He even carries around a script with him
People blinded
Brainwashed
But don't waste your time
You can't reason with these people
They hate science
They hate the truth
Like most people
Which is why people are opinionated assholes
Creating their own world views
Rather than viewing the world how it should be
Realistically
Regarding the independent truths
Shut up
That's boring
You're redundant
Oh really
It doesn't seem like
It's redundant enough for you
When you're so cooped up
In a fantasy world
You seem to enjoy the sheltered life
What year is it?
Oh yeah
At least I have a clock to remember
To give me a dose of reality
At least reality keeps coming back
And smacking me hard
Upside the head
Making me realize shit
I should've realized on my own
Damn
What a trip
I just realized that
Worldviews are nothing
When they belong to people like this
View the world
How it is
Independently
Without all this tainted truth
Bullshit will rule your life
If you let it
It's silly really
They take a comment about races
And make what they want out of it
Disregarding the true meaning behind it
Oh this racist fucker
No fuck you
That's not what I meant
That's not what this means
This is an unfair situation
This man did not murder anyone
That man did
And serves for less time
What's wrong with people?
They're just wrong
Can't we do things right?
Probably not
At least not as a whole
But hey you can try
For yourself
Wipe the shit off your lens
Or maybe your problem
Is that you don't have any
Living life with hair over your eyes
As if you're hiding from the truth
Maybe you don't want to see
Maybe you don't want to know
And I don't blame you
But then you'll never understand
You'll never grow
Sure you'll grow old
But never mentally
Spiritually
Beneficially
Thing is
I don't think you even care
And that's your biggest problem