Sometimes It's Frustrating How Much I Want To Write

I can't stop the ideas/the thoughts from coming
Constantly writing
Jotting things down in notebooks
On paper
On napkins at a restaurant
On my hand
My mind is eager to bleed out on something
Hopefully create something worth it

I've come to realize that
People will stay in your life
For a certain period of time
They are not here to stay
It's exremely rare
For someone to stick by your side
Until "death do you part"
Usually some kind of separation
Takes place
And you're back to how you originally were
Alone
But why am I so willing
To be there for you?
Even after all you've put me through
My heart feels so heavy
And weak
I wish it wasn't so hard to breathe
There's a pain in my chest
A lump in my throat
It won't go down
And it hurts to swallow
But I won't submit to defeat
Who the fuck am I kidding?
I got to get my shit together
You don't really care about me
You never really did
I was living in a lie with you
You deceived me
You poisoned me
Why do I hold on to so much hope for this?
Why do I continue to care so much?
Because I'm fucking real
And my love is sincere
And I can't help it
But I'm jealous of you
I wish I could disconnect as easily as you
I wish I could stop caring like you do
I really just wish I could be numb

I'm Just Trying To.... But That's The Best You Can Do

I'm just here to escape
Trying to find a better place
To let out these emotions
I don't dance
I rage
Against my feelings
Against the pain
I let the music flow through me
Give me a euphoric high
I just want to learn how to say goodbye
Release my past
Into the present
Let it disintegrate
Into the beat

I feel perpetually sick.....

I just feel so sick
And lonely
And foreign in this world....

I'm always left with a bittersweet aftertaste
Your love is in haste
A tease
A quick flash of bright colors
And then darkness
A surge of emotion
A dose of happiness
And then like the drop on a rollercoaster
My mood falls into the pits of my stomach
Leaving me dizzy
And caught in a daze
Lost in a haze
Wishing I would've never came
I should've appreciated it more
But really
I should've appreciated being alone more
Because we don't always get what we wish for

Love Is Also Pain

Don't try to fight it
You can't deny it
Just deal with it
It's just part of it

Isn't this what you wanted?
When you longed to be in love?
When you stared at other couples
Wishing that was you
And now that we're through
I'm sorry if it's not what you expected
I tried my best to make you happy
But I couldn't get through to you
You were so close
Yet so far away
So lost in self-loathing
And more concerned with fighting
Than understanding
Or at least trying to
Frustration would get the best of you
You were battling many demons
Inside of you
But in actuality
You weren't really
Alone
Because I was fighting
A war of my own

Don't you know it's a part of it
Pain and pleasure
Seem to be a package deal
Well
It's no pain no gain
Right?
Nothing in life is truly free
We pay a price for everything
So when you longed to hold my hand
And hold me close
Kiss my neck
And whisper into my ear
Did you expect the hurt
The fights
The pain
And the dissapointment
It's all a part of it
Stop complaining
Nothing in life is free
We pay a price for everything
But at least I can say it was worth it
All this pain I must live with now
Was worth
Just spending a single moment
With you by my side
Happy
Because now I can live
With that beautiful memory
And memories are all we really have left
In the end
Once the cake has been eaten
Once the party is over
Only the memories remain
Locked away in your brain

It hurts to know that you love someone else
Maybe even more than you loved me
But I don't blame you
Because I don't even really love myself
And I want to hate whoever that person is
But I don't
Because if they can make you happy
Then that makes me happy
I just want you to be okay
I'm sorry
I just wish you wouldn't of lied to me
Made me believe all these things
Like how I was the only one for you
So much bullshit
I can't help but hear
Echo in my ear
And replay in my head
All those things you said
How did you move on so fast?
When I can't even fathom another relationship right now?
How did you manage to fall in love so quickly?
Are you sure you're not fooling yourself?
Letting your desperation
And your loneliness
Take over you
Making you believe
Some fantasy figure
Is something you want
Something so grand
When in reality
You know that nothing can compare
And it's only a band-aid
To help heal the wound
Something to help you move on
And once they let you down as well
Once your fairytale turns to reality
You'll be back to square one
Oh sorry I don't mean to have such little hope
For you and your newfound love
I really do want you to be happy
But aren't you being a hypocrite
When you tell yourself
To stop being negative and that it'll work out
Because you didn't seem to have hope for us
When I was still holding on
You bashed me for being hopeful
You made fun of me
For finding all the rights in the wrongs
But now it's all you can do
To tell yourself it'll get better
To soothe yourself to sleep
To create a fantasy
Deep down
You know you won't be able to keep
Envision your life
Mimick your dreams
Living is not what it seems
It's too tainted
Beautiful lies are painted
Your eyes are deceived
You're fooled by the realistic illusion
Stuck in a delusion
I wish I could've saved you
I wish I could've proved to you
What's true
But you didn't want me to
Maybe because you're afraid
Like most people are
Because it may destroy
Your perfectly envisioned
Fantasy
Your hope for the future
I'm sorry
I'm just trying to be realistic
Isn't that what we had agreed to do
You just don't seem to know
How to follow through

I'm Here To Escape But Now I Kind of Just Want To Escape

I sit in a corner
Of a club
Too often visited
I don't really care
For this scene
I'm only here
To try and fit in
But why do I try
When I know I'll never belong
With them
Music is blasting
Bodies are dancing
People look like zombies
Brain dead
Moving to the beat
Intoxicated
Up in smoke
Stumbling over
Be careful not to choke
Laughter and voices
Blend in with the music
People bumping into you
Strangers trying to get at you
You seem indifferent
Of all the commotion
Taking place around you
You're so lost in the music
Drowning in the sound
Slowly swaying back and forth
I try to escape too
But I really just want to escape with you
So will you let me
Take you away
We can both run away
I'm not like those creeps
I promise
If anything
I'm like you
Lost in a place
Trying to find a place
Trying to keep up
With the fast moving
Rhythmic pace
I catch myself
Staring at the exit
More than the dancefloor
But being dragged into
The abbyss of it
Into the sea of flesh bags
By my overly excited friends
I like to dance
Don't get me wrong
But I'm not trying to
Put on a show
For anyone
Sure I can dig the beats being dropped
And dancing with friends can be fun
Drinking and laughing
And singing along to the song
Escaping and forgetting my worries
Letting the moment consume me
In a psychedelic trance
In a sea of colors
As I dance
It's not always draining
I can find a way to enjoy myself
But honestly
I would just rather be at home
Alone
With you
And my cats

I'm done... Now I just want to be numb...

Our hello was amazing
Not even planned
You just came into my life
As I did into your's
And it truly was magical

And I could never say good bye
To something like that
Forever

So can I
Just say goodbye
One last time
And maybe hold you
Like I used to
And just
No but I don't want that
Because now I don't even know what's sincere with you
You are so full of beautiful lies
Such beautiful fucking lies
Such beautiful eyes
They light up like fire
When I stare into them
Like I ignite a flame within you
And they shine so brightly for me

When we stood hugging at that park that one night
And I told you I wish we could stay in that moment forever
I wish we could've stopped time and lived in that moment forever
If I knew what was to come
I would've never let go of you
But unfortunately
Life doesn't work that way
And I had to let go
Although I felt like a piece of me ripped off
When I did
And it still hurts

How fucking unfortunate...

So most people spend their whole lives waiting for a love like we had
And some never find it
But we had it
And we lost it

You and Everything You Do

When I'm with anyone else
I feel dirty
I knew when I opened myself up to you
And I told you I only wanted to open up to one person
That I would be your's forever
Even if that means without you by my side
A part of my heart will always be your's
And being with anyone else
Would make me feel like I'm cheating
I couldn't make love to them
Like I did to you
It would just be sex
And even though we fought
And we didn't always get along
And you treated me like crap
Our amazing connection
It just felt so right
And even though you're gone
My heart still refuses to let go
Quite frankly
I don't think it ever will
But that's okay because I really did love you
It just hurts to know that you're gone
Because everything else feels so wrong
And I don't think I'll ever come home again
I'll be a lost wanderer
Until the day I die

I just want to be happy

Sometimes
I don't care what's best for me
What's best could be a miserable lifestyle
Married to a rich man with a successful career
Living in a big house
But what if I wasn't deeply in love with him?
Money doesn't buy happiness
Sometimes
I don't want what's best for me
I just want to be happy
And sometimes that's okay
Even if what makes us happy can hurt us
Because it can be worth it
Love is worth it

My Love

When you cry
And tell me all your struggles
It only makes me love you more
To know you've been through all of that
And you're still here
It makes me admire you more
It makes you shine brighter
You're a true hero
You're a fighter
And I don't give up easily either
So I'll be your sidekick
Let's fight together
I'll stay by your side forever

Just do what you love and love will remain...

Music really helps me get through hard times and cope with shit, it's like therapeutic. And I try to let all my feelings out because I know keeping them inside is not healthy. I feel like this is already a huge effort I'm making by trying to cope, rather than just laying in a bed depressed. I did that for the first few months of my loss actually, but slowly I started to push myself out of bed and distract myself. I just continue to make music and doing what I love. All we can really do in a time like this is to at least get up every day and try, just try to push forward and keep on doing what you love; keep making music, surround yourself with people who care about you, keep yourself distracted. It's what's helped me get through this and I didn't even think I'd make it this far; it's been 7 brutal months for me, but I fucking made it through even if I did have to drag myself most of the way and I'm much stronger than I was before... You know, I've come to realize that the ones you love are really never gone; they are still alive in our memories and in our hearts and in our spirit... And I know that may sound a little cheesy, but it's true. A part of them will always be with you and vice versa because you shared something that no one else can replace; that connection, that love. Continue to keep it alive through your memories because the only time something is really gone is when it dies inside of you.

This is unfair... Well, hey, life is unfair...

I'm pretty good with self control, but today I really got pushed over the edge.... I was even surprised with myself because I usually don't react like that. I know no one cares to read this, but writing/typing things out really helps me cope with things. I can really analyze a situation when I can write everything down. I was so fed up with many different things and quite frankly just didn't give a fuck about myself or life anymore so I literally beat the fuck out of myself. Maybe I picked this up partly by watching my ex do that to herself, and there's something else that got fucked up (my relationship). So I don't even want to linger on that part.... But anyway, I must've hit my head against the wall about 5 times and it was pretty hard. For a moment I stopped and I could taste blood, I could feel blood rushing in my head. And then I proceeded to punching myself and eventually just collapsed on the floor because I didn't have any more strength or energy in me... At that moment, I felt a feeling I haven't felt in a long time; carelessness.... And I felt like an emotionless object, an empty shell... And I hated that. Caring is what brings us to life, it makes things affect us. I was just so tired of giving a fuck for all this time and being taken advantage of. And in that moment, I wanted to die. Oh dear God, if you exist, I prayed for you to take me away and drop me into the depths of hell where I could burn. But what I like about death, is that there is most likely nothing. And an end, darkness, just sounds peaceful to me... Especially in a time of chaos....

I'm way too nice to people that don't deserve kindness from me at all. I bend over backwards, and hand over my paycheck, and distribute my money to even the homeless people I see wandering on the streets. And my plans of saving money for my future go straight down the drain and I feel like a fucking failure, but at least I have a good heart. And you know, I do it without expecting anything in return. But the least someone could do is not treat me like shit and be appreciative. Although it seems like that just doesn't come naturally from people. I've been brought to a point where I honestly don't want to live most of the time. I want to rot away in a hole and die. Death sounds like such a sweet escape. But the thing about me is that I don't give up easily... And what amazes me is how quickly I can pick myself back up, all alone, and keep on pushing forward; past all my tears and sweat and blood. Even with a hurting heart and bleeding veins, I can still push forward with all my might because I know I can do better. I have to have faith in myself because all you really have is yourself. Loving yourself is very important.... And you can tell me to fuck myself if I love myself, but at least I can feel confident with myself. Being alone, but happy with yourself is better than being with someone and miserable.

And I just don't have the heart to hurt others and seeking revenge would be immature. I can't hold on to resentment; I don't hold grudges. I am always forgiving and loving and welcoming of people that don't even deserve me to greet them with wide open arms. I feel so... Fucking.. Guilty.. Just thinking about hurting these people; it hurts me even more.

I had important data deleted off my phone and when I was told, "Well delete the shit off my phone then!" I took one look at this person's pictures and beautiful memories, and I just couldn't....... So then why is it so easy for others to do that to me? I don't understand that.......

Nothing Had Is Nothing Lost

I'd rather not have anything
Because everything I've ever had
I eventually lose
Either by the hands of death
Or because of some stupid mistake
Or inconvenience
And I become attached to these things
So when they're taken away
It's like a piece of me is ripped away
And a part of me goes with them
A part of my heart will always belong to them
And it's just not fair
I don't want to live with that pain
With those bittersweet memories
Because those memories
They always lead back to the bad ones
And it still hurts
I'd rather not have anything
Because nothing had
Is nothing lost
But I guess
It really is no pain no gain

Fuck This

Finding someone like you isn't an easy task to do
Because there's only one of you

Fuck you
For leaving
Fuck you
For ever kissing me
For holding my hand
For being so.. fucking.... beautiful
Fuck you
For telling me you'd always be there
For lying to me
For making me believe
Fuck youuu

I want to hate you
Or at least dislike you greatly
But I can't
I just.. can't
And it drives me crazy

Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you

Yeah, this is poetry...

Lame excuse for it, but it's something...

~Just go with the flow~

Rhyming
Flowing
Going

Let my heart be your beat
I'll make love to your ears
With words so sweet....

Crystallize, Crystal Eyes... Make Eyes Realize Lies

Skimming through things
And not finding any true meaning in them
Slow down
Take your time
You waste a lot of time anyway
Looking at a painting
And not noticing the details
Unable to distinguish things properly
So you group everything together
People, animals, nature
Instead of
Talented person
Intelligent animal
And phenomenal nature
Never appreciating anything special
How would you marvel at Mt. Everest?
How would you ever feel lucky
If finding a four-leaf clover doesn't phase you?
You don't see the value in things
Maybe because you've been catered to your whole life
Money, shelter, love
It's all taken for granted
When you don't have to work for it
But the one thing you had to work for
Your relationship
You threw it away
So it really seems
Like you don't want to work for anything
Maybe you only want to
Because you know you should
But eventually
Your true character comes out
That lazy selfish bitch
And BOOM!
You watch everything
You had
Probably forced yourself
To work for
Explode
Like your lack of will
Of care
Imploding
Productivity is hard
When you're lazy
And you lose it
You choose to lose it
Justify your persona
Did you expect it to be easier?
Did you lose hope
When the challenge
Proved to be greater than you imagined?
Everything you complained about
Are things you need to work for
Solving problems
Creating compatibility
Learning
Meshing
Persevering
And if it was easy
Everyone would be a happy couple
But monogamy is not even realistic
Just you saying it's not worth it
Proves everything
It proves how you're not worth it
Listen here
You unappreciative fuck
If someone gives you real genuine love
It's worth it
If you make a connection with someone
It's worth it
Because these are things we don't come by
So easily in this world
So feel lucky
Find things to be grateful for
Rather than complaining
It's more productive
You'll come to find
Soon enough
When reality slaps you in the face
Fuck worldviews
Fuck optimism
And pessimism
Fuck anything
But the pure solid facts
You seem to be more concerned
With denying everything
Telling yourself sweet lies
That sugar coat everything
Let me tell you
Most people's worldviews are fucked up
Because they don't perceive things
How they should be
They perceive them
How they want to
And what worries me
Is that people tend to think
That their opinions
Are just as good as knowledge
That their ill interpretation
Of a specific subject
Is just as reliable
As an actual document
A book
Something that solely distributes facts
Valid knowledge
And then people miseducate other people
And everything becomes twisted
Then suddenly
People are trying to justify their opinions
No matter how factual they are
When the truth is right in front of them
They can be yelling
It's a miracle
When it's clearly scripted
And the acting isn't all that believable
Unless your naive
Oh wait
Religious people usually are
But you gotta believe
They tell you
You gotta believe in some magic man
Without any solid proof
Oh I believe
I believe that's just called ignorance
Look Benny Hinn just healed a man
With his bare hands
Okay
Well why does he only cure people
At these conventions?
Have you thought of that?
Why isn't he at hospitals
Curing people from cancer?
Why don't disabled people
Call him up
And set up an appointment?
So they don't have to live a life
Confined to a wheelchair
Because it's scripted
He doesn't accept appointments
Because it's scripted
And they make themselves believe what they want to
I've seen this man perform live
He even carries around a script with him
People blinded
Brainwashed
But don't waste your time
You can't reason with these people
They hate science
They hate the truth
Like most people
Which is why people are opinionated assholes
Creating their own world views
Rather than viewing the world how it should be
Realistically
Regarding the independent truths
Shut up
That's boring
You're redundant
Oh really
It doesn't seem like
It's redundant enough for you
When you're so cooped up
In a fantasy world
You seem to enjoy the sheltered life
What year is it?
Oh yeah
At least I have a clock to remember
To give me a dose of reality
At least reality keeps coming back
And smacking me hard
Upside the head
Making me realize shit
I should've realized on my own
Damn
What a trip
I just realized that
Worldviews are nothing
When they belong to people like this
View the world
How it is
Independently
Without all this tainted truth
Bullshit will rule your life
If you let it
It's silly really
They take a comment about races
And make what they want out of it
Disregarding the true meaning behind it
Oh this racist fucker
No fuck you
That's not what I meant
That's not what this means
This is an unfair situation
This man did not murder anyone
That man did
And serves for less time
What's wrong with people?
They're just wrong
Can't we do things right?
Probably not
At least not as a whole
But hey you can try
For yourself
Wipe the shit off your lens
Or maybe your problem
Is that you don't have any
Living life with hair over your eyes
As if you're hiding from the truth
Maybe you don't want to see
Maybe you don't want to know
And I don't blame you
But then you'll never understand
You'll never grow
Sure you'll grow old
But never mentally
Spiritually
Beneficially
Thing is
I don't think you even care
And that's your biggest problem

Cold Turkey

It all happened so fast
Like a piece of my flesh being pulled off
A part of my heart was stolen
And where the hell is my pride
I never got any of it back
But I guess that's the price you pay
With love
It was like being so warm and cozy
And suddenly being thrusted out into the freezing cold
It was like being given a toy you've always wanted
And then watching it get destroyed
Like planting a flower and watching it bloom
And then one morning you walk out and it's wilting
I went from being so happy
To so fucking sad
It shook me
Like a violent jolt
It felt like I imagine being stabbed would
A deep sharp pain
But this pain doesn't go numb after a while
There's a hollow emptiness in my throat
It hurts to swallow
My heart beats one less beat
Since you left
It's hard to even breathe

I'll be your girlfriend and boyfriend....

Some days I feel like boy and others I feel like a girl, but most of the time I just feel like something in between. I want to live the best of both worlds....

Calm Your Tears, Chase Away Your Fears....

You always put on a disguise
With all your smiles
And your lies

But I wonder what's really going on
Behind those beautiful brown eyes

I search for you
Day after day
Without finding a trace
But maybe the person I'm looking for
Never existed
Maybe you weren't
Who I thought you were
And now that the truth has been revealed
You're nowhere to be found
And I miss who you never were

Time will pass
But the scars will remain
To remind me of the pain

Through your hanging hair
Hiding that sorrowful stare
I see beauty
Despite all your despair

Here's this for when I'm gone....

All that will be left when I'm gone is what I left behind...

So I want to spend my time making as many lovely memories as I can and leaving pieces of me here and there that people can remember and smile....

I want to leave my writings on paper, and walls, and engraved in your mind....

I want my words and poems to echo in your ear even long after I'm gone and soothe you to sleep....

I want to leave my image burned in your memory so that when you close your eyes or blink you can still see me looking back at you smiling.....

Will you please stop running circles in your head?

"She doesn't want me
He doesn't want me
You don't want me
Fuck
I don't even want myself...."

I know this runs through your head a lot.
I know you're aware of how horrible you can be.
But you don't seem to acknowledge how wonderful you can be as well.
How amazing.
How incomparable.

And I saw you at your worst and I still wanted you.

For Someone Dear To My Heart

Running
Running so fast
Until my bones ache
Lay them down to rest
But just for a while
Running towards something
That I shouldn't want
Something that doesn't deserve me
Something that I don't deserve
So eager and willing to put effort into something
That's unfortunately not worth it
And yet so unmotivated and lazy to put effort
Into the things I should be
I hate myself
For that
And for loving you
No fuck this
Fuck that
I'm so done
Now it's my turn
I don't want to hear
Any of your insincere crap
Because it hurts too much
And the pain you left me with
Is already enough
So just leave me alone
I'm running in place
Hopefully someday
I'll actually get somewhere

It's okay though, we're still together in my dreams....

Everything is fine in my dreams, I just thought you should know...

I still dream
Of caressing your face
We're still doing the things we talked about doing
Our goals are being fulfilled
In my dreams
So don't be sad
You can cross some of those things off the list now
We are together and happy
When I'm asleep
And that's good enough for me
Because that's all it'll ever be
We have a house
Out in the woods
And we have a video game room
And a library
You have your bee farm in the backyard
And we have our garden
With all our beautiful flowers
And bright colored vegetables
We have fruit trees
With lemons
Not limes
And peaches
Because even when I'm asleep
I still remember you liked those
We cook healthy homemade meals
But we still buy snacks
Like pretzels and pudding
And when I yell "Rory!"
You come running inside
In your bee-keeping gear
And I hug attack you
And then take off your hat
So I can smother you with kisses
Everything is fine
In our home in the country
So don't be full of sorrow
We adopted two boys
And named them Sawyer and Killian
It's okay
You don't have to cry anymore
Everything's alright in my dreams
I still fall asleep
Watching you play Dark Cloud
And we drink wine and smoke cigars
In our hot tub
We still go on our night walks
And make friends with cats
And owls
We have all our cats and dogs
That we've named after Pokemon
And even ducks
In a duck pond
But you still insist on calling our dogs 'ducks'
And even I have begun to call them that
And when your dad calls and asks how the ducks are doing
We know he's talking about our dogs
Your aunt Karen visits us
And brings us her delicious trail mix
And your mom comes over
To watch Adventure Time marathons
And Game of Thrones with us
And on Christmas Eve we all get together
And it's so magical
Your auntie points at every Christmas decoration
And says "Oh it's so Santy!"
In her cute accent
You and your mom have fart competitions
And your mom wins of course
Me and your dad race to roll down the window
We still go on adventures
We drive to the beach early morning
And you bring us lunch in brown paper bags
Like we're in elementary school again
And it makes me nostalgic
We listen to Audioslave
And Modest Mouse
While we wait for the sunrise
We make out in your car
As I sit on your lap
And then I ask you to sit on mine
And I hug you and kiss your neck
We run down to the beach
As the first rays of sunlight start hitting our skin
Making the beach sparkle
And we run and collect sand dollars
The ones that don't have cracks
And pretty colorful rocks
I want to turn into jewelry
We take our treasures back home
And fall asleep in your room
Cuddled up together
My socks are still wet
But I'm too tired to care
You still take them off for me
Before falling asleep beside me
It's those little things you did
That were the big things
And I will never forget
Don't worry
We still go on our little escapades
In my dreamland
We are living the life we had planned
We are both running our home business
And we have published books
And you're actually following through
With your promises
I still love you
And only you
And you're forever mine
And I'm forever your's
My first and last
Everything is fine and dandy
In my dreams
I just thought you should know...

You know I still wonder about you
From time to time
You never completely leave my mind
Something always seems to remind me of you
Even looking up at the stars
Because we would look up at those
Together
It's still cold at night
Even with my blanket
Because I'm missing
The warmth of your body
Next to mine
I still wake up sometimes
And call your name out
Or roll over to hug you
And I'm greeted with an empty bed
I'll see things or think of something
And want to tell you about them
But then I remember
I can't even talk to you anymore
I play Pokemon with my friends
Because they're also fans
And I'll want to ask you about something
I'll walk down the streets of downtown
And remember us walking down those streets
Hand in hand
So lost in love
So entranced

I still have dreams about being lost
In those vineyards with you
And not realizing how I wasn't lost
Because I was next to you
Not realizing how I had actually been found
When you told me you loved me
And called me your's
For the first time
I felt like I belonged
Your arms were my home
They were the only real home
I've ever known
And I'm so homesick
When can I come back home?
You told me you were my forever home
But now
Even though I'm surrounded by walls
I'm still homeless
And now I wander the streets
Lost again