For Someone Dear To My Heart

Running
Running so fast
Until my bones ache
Lay them down to rest
But just for a while
Running towards something
That I shouldn't want
Something that doesn't deserve me
Something that I don't deserve
So eager and willing to put effort into something
That's unfortunately not worth it
And yet so unmotivated and lazy to put effort
Into the things I should be
I hate myself
For that
And for loving you
No fuck this
Fuck that
I'm so done
Now it's my turn
I don't want to hear
Any of your insincere crap
Because it hurts too much
And the pain you left me with
Is already enough
So just leave me alone
I'm running in place
Hopefully someday
I'll actually get somewhere

It's okay though, we're still together in my dreams....

Everything is fine in my dreams, I just thought you should know...

I still dream
Of caressing your face
We're still doing the things we talked about doing
Our goals are being fulfilled
In my dreams
So don't be sad
You can cross some of those things off the list now
We are together and happy
When I'm asleep
And that's good enough for me
Because that's all it'll ever be
We have a house
Out in the woods
And we have a video game room
And a library
You have your bee farm in the backyard
And we have our garden
With all our beautiful flowers
And bright colored vegetables
We have fruit trees
With lemons
Not limes
And peaches
Because even when I'm asleep
I still remember you liked those
We cook healthy homemade meals
But we still buy snacks
Like pretzels and pudding
And when I yell "Rory!"
You come running inside
In your bee-keeping gear
And I hug attack you
And then take off your hat
So I can smother you with kisses
Everything is fine
In our home in the country
So don't be full of sorrow
We adopted two boys
And named them Sawyer and Killian
It's okay
You don't have to cry anymore
Everything's alright in my dreams
I still fall asleep
Watching you play Dark Cloud
And we drink wine and smoke cigars
In our hot tub
We still go on our night walks
And make friends with cats
And owls
We have all our cats and dogs
That we've named after Pokemon
And even ducks
In a duck pond
But you still insist on calling our dogs 'ducks'
And even I have begun to call them that
And when your dad calls and asks how the ducks are doing
We know he's talking about our dogs
Your aunt Karen visits us
And brings us her delicious trail mix
And your mom comes over
To watch Adventure Time marathons
And Game of Thrones with us
And on Christmas Eve we all get together
And it's so magical
Your auntie points at every Christmas decoration
And says "Oh it's so Santy!"
In her cute accent
You and your mom have fart competitions
And your mom wins of course
Me and your dad race to roll down the window
We still go on adventures
We drive to the beach early morning
And you bring us lunch in brown paper bags
Like we're in elementary school again
And it makes me nostalgic
We listen to Audioslave
And Modest Mouse
While we wait for the sunrise
We make out in your car
As I sit on your lap
And then I ask you to sit on mine
And I hug you and kiss your neck
We run down to the beach
As the first rays of sunlight start hitting our skin
Making the beach sparkle
And we run and collect sand dollars
The ones that don't have cracks
And pretty colorful rocks
I want to turn into jewelry
We take our treasures back home
And fall asleep in your room
Cuddled up together
My socks are still wet
But I'm too tired to care
You still take them off for me
Before falling asleep beside me
It's those little things you did
That were the big things
And I will never forget
Don't worry
We still go on our little escapades
In my dreamland
We are living the life we had planned
We are both running our home business
And we have published books
And you're actually following through
With your promises
I still love you
And only you
And you're forever mine
And I'm forever your's
My first and last
Everything is fine and dandy
In my dreams
I just thought you should know...

You know I still wonder about you
From time to time
You never completely leave my mind
Something always seems to remind me of you
Even looking up at the stars
Because we would look up at those
Together
It's still cold at night
Even with my blanket
Because I'm missing
The warmth of your body
Next to mine
I still wake up sometimes
And call your name out
Or roll over to hug you
And I'm greeted with an empty bed
I'll see things or think of something
And want to tell you about them
But then I remember
I can't even talk to you anymore
I play Pokemon with my friends
Because they're also fans
And I'll want to ask you about something
I'll walk down the streets of downtown
And remember us walking down those streets
Hand in hand
So lost in love
So entranced

I still have dreams about being lost
In those vineyards with you
And not realizing how I wasn't lost
Because I was next to you
Not realizing how I had actually been found
When you told me you loved me
And called me your's
For the first time
I felt like I belonged
Your arms were my home
They were the only real home
I've ever known
And I'm so homesick
When can I come back home?
You told me you were my forever home
But now
Even though I'm surrounded by walls
I'm still homeless
And now I wander the streets
Lost again