I'm pretty good with self control, but today I really got pushed over the edge.... I was even surprised with myself because I usually don't react like that. I know no one cares to read this, but writing/typing things out really helps me cope with things. I can really analyze a situation when I can write everything down. I was so fed up with many different things and quite frankly just didn't give a fuck about myself or life anymore so I literally beat the fuck out of myself. Maybe I picked this up partly by watching my ex do that to herself, and there's something else that got fucked up (my relationship). So I don't even want to linger on that part.... But anyway, I must've hit my head against the wall about 5 times and it was pretty hard. For a moment I stopped and I could taste blood, I could feel blood rushing in my head. And then I proceeded to punching myself and eventually just collapsed on the floor because I didn't have any more strength or energy in me... At that moment, I felt a feeling I haven't felt in a long time; carelessness.... And I felt like an emotionless object, an empty shell... And I hated that. Caring is what brings us to life, it makes things affect us. I was just so tired of giving a fuck for all this time and being taken advantage of. And in that moment, I wanted to die. Oh dear God, if you exist, I prayed for you to take me away and drop me into the depths of hell where I could burn. But what I like about death, is that there is most likely nothing. And an end, darkness, just sounds peaceful to me... Especially in a time of chaos....
I'm way too nice to people that don't deserve kindness from me at all. I bend over backwards, and hand over my paycheck, and distribute my money to even the homeless people I see wandering on the streets. And my plans of saving money for my future go straight down the drain and I feel like a fucking failure, but at least I have a good heart. And you know, I do it without expecting anything in return. But the least someone could do is not treat me like shit and be appreciative. Although it seems like that just doesn't come naturally from people. I've been brought to a point where I honestly don't want to live most of the time. I want to rot away in a hole and die. Death sounds like such a sweet escape. But the thing about me is that I don't give up easily... And what amazes me is how quickly I can pick myself back up, all alone, and keep on pushing forward; past all my tears and sweat and blood. Even with a hurting heart and bleeding veins, I can still push forward with all my might because I know I can do better. I have to have faith in myself because all you really have is yourself. Loving yourself is very important.... And you can tell me to fuck myself if I love myself, but at least I can feel confident with myself. Being alone, but happy with yourself is better than being with someone and miserable.
And I just don't have the heart to hurt others and seeking revenge would be immature. I can't hold on to resentment; I don't hold grudges. I am always forgiving and loving and welcoming of people that don't even deserve me to greet them with wide open arms. I feel so... Fucking.. Guilty.. Just thinking about hurting these people; it hurts me even more.
I had important data deleted off my phone and when I was told, "Well delete the shit off my phone then!" I took one look at this person's pictures and beautiful memories, and I just couldn't....... So then why is it so easy for others to do that to me? I don't understand that.......
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