Dear Love

Why didn't I hug you instead? Why didn't we just lay there in silence, just appreciating each others company? Why didn't I grab your face and kiss you instead of continuing to fuel the fight? You can't really get rationality out of anger anyway. Why couldn't I just let you go instead of holding on to you and wanting you to stay? I'll never be okay with you walking away... But if it made you happy I wouldn't want to try and hold you back.. Although, I don't think you really know what makes you happy.. And I feel safe to say that we made each other incredibly happy.. And we only affected each other negatively because we care, and love is not always happiness. Your loved ones can upset and disappoint you as well.. Not everything you feel will be in bliss... That's love, it's about caring enough to stay with someone through thick and thin...

I remember coming home from work that day we had fought and crying myself to sleep and then I heard a knock at the door and I didn't think it was you until I heard you say "Baby," and I thought I must still be dreaming... I was so ecstatic when you made that effort to come see me.. You laid with me on the bed while we hugged and you had even brought me candy... And I thought, "She really does care about me." And you told me that you'd never want to leave me alone while I cried and that I should know you'd always be there for me.... I was so inexplicably happy at that moment, I just wanted to lay there with you forever... Movement scares me sometimes, just a simple hand motion because I don't want to disconnect from that moment. And suddenly the ticking clock breeds anxiousness and fear in me... And I ask myself, will this be the last moment lived with you in happiness? And I start grieving for that feeling of euphoria before it's even dissipated into the past... Breathing in the bittersweet reality, I teach myself to accept that everything that makes you happy is taken away from you someday. So that I can learn to appreciate it more... Every moment and laughter shared.. Every happy carefree memory, cruising on country roads and staying out until dawn... And to not let go so quickly when I say goodbye because it might really be goodbye...

I remember us standing and hugging each other and being completely content with just doing that... That's pretty amazing to enjoy just the simple presence of someone and not having to worry about saying or doing anything other than just being there next to them....

..... Do you even cry? And when you cry, is it all out of pity for yourself?